Can’t Be Explained and Can’t Be Denied

I’m missing him and it makes me angry with myself.  It makes me question my own intelligence and it leaves me feeling like I’m wearing a neon sign that says “naive and oblivious.”   Sadly, I’m neither.  I’m just a woman who fell for the wrong man, a man who pretends to be confident while hiding his emotional unavailability behind the mask he wears.

I’ve been doing really well in my quest to get over my broken heart, deal with the fact that I was used by someone I cared about and forgive someone who broke through my barriers, then left me standing alone without armor…and yet here I sit. Sad.

I’m not sure why I still have weak moments.  Several months have passed with us having a very distanced relationship, but I still have periodic tugs that leave me missing him. I’ve tried focusing on what I can visually see, hoping it will help me realize this is not a man I want to be with.  He’s aged horribly the past few years, leaving him looking very different than when we first became close.  His baggage has increased to a point where it needs a conex box to store it, and I’m now finally seeing the grumpy old man that so many others have seen all along, but in spite of  it all, I miss him.

Chemistry is an interesting thing.  It isn’t about appearance or mood.  It’s an unexplainable, unplanned and completely unpredictable feeling that two people share.  When a true zap occurs, there is no denying it.  There are many couples that have relationships that endure despite the absence of the zap, however those relationships are missing an intricate part of connection.

Zaps are are like fireworks.  They don’t have to be sexual, even though they spark indescribable magic during intimacy.  Words aren’t necessary, because when there is a zap, the eyes can speek anything that needs to be shared.  When you share zaps with someone, you realize that no matter what the circumstances, somethings can’t be explained….or denied.  It is, what it is.

I look at the picture and I try to see his flaws.  I’m trying to relate as people talk about his arrogance and frequent mood swings.  More than anything, I’m trying desperately to forget what it’s like to feel the way I did in his presence.  I want to be turned off by him.  I want to dislike him. I want to be free of the zap we shared.

Unfortunately, when you’ve truly experienced a zap, I don’t think it ever goes away.  Like a live wire you must protect yourself from, special attention must be given to avoid getting shocked, even though avoiding the shock doesn’t change the current.  Zap.

clb  ♡

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3 thoughts on “Can’t Be Explained and Can’t Be Denied

    1. Marie, I wish I could tell you that you’re wrong, but I can’t. You are absolutely right. I don’t miss him, I miss the feeling of connectedness I felt to him. I also miss how comfortable I felt in my own skin early in our relationship. I say early, because as I look back now, I realize my happiest times were at the beginning and were short lived.

      The majority of the relationship was emotionally draining and taxing and yet, when I think about the loss, my mind always goes back the those first few months. I would never consider becoming close with him again. He used me and for as much as I miss him and am trying to forgive him, I will never forget. It began as an amazing experience and ended with me only a few steps away from where I was following my departure from a 19 year abusive marriage. Never again. It took recognizing the pattern for me to be able to step away from it.

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