I’m overwhelmed today.
Life is improving.
Good things are beginning to happen and I’m not sure how to handle them.
I’m doing well in my pay-the-bills job, I have 4.0 GPA in my writing program and I was just offered an apprenticeship with elephant journal. I’ve been conditionally accepted to two graduate programs for writing, I’ve been published several times in the past month, and have four additional pieces accepted and waiting to go live.
These are all wonderful things and I’m grateful for each of them, but with the good comes the harsh reality that even though life is definitely picking up the pace of grace, I remain on an unknown path without a map.
I’m realizing the only thing worse than not being graced with goodness, is receiving grace and feeling desperately alone and having no one to share the joy with.
My friends have given me their superficial thumbs up “hoorah” and my xmanfriend has politely said “good for you.” My children have offered their kudos when I’ve fished for a reaction, not having a clue how big a deal all of this really is. To them, I’m still their hot mess of a mother who can’t seem to find her way out of the laundry pile.
I’m exhausted and feel like I’m fighting a losing battle, but I continue to fight. I was asked recently by one of my children exactly what I expected, “fireworks and balloons?” I laughed and yet the pains of those words still remain. I’m not a narcissist, I never put myself above others, and I’ve always been the first to support and encourage those around me. I’m working harder than I’ve ever worked, to move closer to success than I’ve ever been, while trying to finally make my children proud of their scatterbrained, poorly disciplined mother and I’m doing it alone…..
and it hurts
and it makes me sad
and leaves me feeling lonely.
Writers understand the level of commitment that it takes to write hours a day, along with the resulting frustration and exhaustion that it can cause. Writing on demand causes a brain drain that can only be understood by those who have experienced it. The art of crafting words doesn’t come easy, but nothing is more satisfying than knowing you’ve been able to speak to someone through your own creative voice.
I’m well aware these are my dreams and goals and I also understand that it’s no one else’s job to help me achieve my life ambitions, but damn it….YES, a few fireworks and balloons would be nice.
If this makes me seem needy, attention seeking or desperate, then cue the violins and prepare the Woe is Me Orchestra. I’m human, I have wants, needs and desires and I’m currently trying to meet each of them singlehandedly on my own.
My life has recently become a case of “be careful what you ask for, you just may get it.” Slowly but surely, I’m beginning to put its pieces in place, as I realize my dreams may actually become my realities, but a little patience may be in order until I figure things out.
Until then, I’ll forgo the fireworks, but an unprompted acknowledgement that I’m kicking ass and taking numbers now and then would be great. If not, a few balloons and a basket of daisies would be nice too.