Cue the Violins and Prepare the Woe is Me Orchestra

I’m overwhelmed today.

Life is improving.

Good things are beginning to happen and I’m not sure how to handle them.

I’m doing well in my pay-the-bills job, I have 4.0 GPA in my writing program and I was just offered an apprenticeship with elephant journal.  I’ve been conditionally accepted to two graduate programs for writing, I’ve been published several times in the past month, and have four additional pieces accepted and waiting to go live.

These are all wonderful things and I’m grateful for each of them, but with the good comes the harsh reality that even though life is definitely picking up the pace of grace, I remain on an unknown path without a map.

I’m realizing the only thing worse than not being graced with goodness, is receiving grace and feeling desperately alone and having no one to share the joy with.

My friends have given me their superficial thumbs up “hoorah” and my xmanfriend has politely said “good for you.”  My children have offered their kudos when I’ve fished for a reaction, not having a clue how big a deal all of this really is.  To them, I’m still their hot mess of a mother who can’t seem to find her way out of the laundry pile.

I’m exhausted and feel like I’m fighting a losing battle, but I continue to fight.  I was asked recently by one of my children exactly what I expected, “fireworks and balloons?”  I laughed and yet the pains of those words still remain. I’m not a narcissist, I never put myself above others, and I’ve always been the first to support and encourage those around me.  I’m working harder than I’ve ever worked, to move closer to success than I’ve ever been, while trying to finally make my children proud of their scatterbrained, poorly disciplined mother and I’m doing it alone…..

and it hurts

and it makes me sad

and leaves me feeling lonely.

Writers understand the level of commitment that it takes to write hours a day, along with the resulting frustration and exhaustion that it can cause.  Writing on demand causes a brain drain that can only be understood by those who have experienced it.  The art of crafting words doesn’t come easy, but nothing is more satisfying than knowing you’ve been able to speak to someone through your own creative voice.

I’m well aware these are my dreams and goals and I also understand that it’s no one else’s job to help me achieve my life ambitions, but damn it….YES, a few fireworks and balloons would be nice.

If this makes me seem needy, attention seeking or desperate, then cue the violins and prepare the Woe is Me Orchestra.  I’m human, I have wants, needs and desires and I’m currently trying to meet each of them singlehandedly on my own.

My life has recently become a case of “be careful what you ask for, you just may get it.”  Slowly but surely, I’m beginning to put its pieces in place, as I realize my dreams may actually become my realities, but a little patience may be in order until I figure things out.

Until then, I’ll forgo the fireworks, but an unprompted acknowledgement that I’m kicking ass and taking numbers now and then would be great.  If not, a few balloons and a basket of daisies would be nice too.

9 thoughts on “Cue the Violins and Prepare the Woe is Me Orchestra

  1. For what it’s worth, when I read how well your course is going and the words that you’re being published my heart leaped for you. From one struggling writer to another, CONGRATULATIONS!!
    Well done, Cindy! 😀

      1. My friends here at WordPress have kept me going for a while. They’re definitely not to be sneezed at. I’m glad I found you and am able to be here to support you as so many support me. 🙂

  2. Kaboom. Pop. Sparkle. Your words make my heart sing. We are all in this together. You are bravely doing what I wish I had the courage and confidence to do. My kids are all living independently. I am early retired. I put pressures on myself and my husband supportively says, “Good for you,” when my book promo nets 200 sales. I want cake and ice cream. 🙂

    1. Cake and ice cream sound perfect. 🙂 Thank you for your encouragement. You are amazing . You’ve done what people dream of doing. You’ve become a published author. No one can take that away from you, whether you sell 200 books or 2 million. I don’t think people understand how difficult it is to continually come up with ways to engage others brains with words. One of my recent blessings is all of the amazing people I’ve met through blogging. 🙂

  3. Wow, you are 4000 steps ahead of me and I feel a lot of this. If we are whiners, then I am a way bigger one than you are. I have no idea where anything I’ve started this year is ultimately going to take me, but the little hurrahs along the way are mostly only my own too. Still, even at my lowliest, I can’t seem to stray too far from the grooves in this road. I like to think, (believe, obsess, rationalize), that this thing is bigger than me and I am fulfilling destiny. Then to really seal the deal, I like remember even Jesus said, …”no prophet is accepted in his hometown,” or something like that. I am eating ice cream (literally, and Neopolitan), in solidarity sister. I hope to be you when I grow up.

    1. Thank you, but I’ve read your blog and I’m envious of it. You’re a gifted and engaging writer. I’m doing a lot, but I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience in the process. I feel like I’m an imposter in a very private club. After being home for 19 years and starting and stopping school uncountable times, I’ve finally developed the discipline I should have developed way before the age of 49. I also could have been writing during those 19 years at home, but wasted them thinking about it instead. ☺ In the past several months, things have definitely begun to fall into place, but I feel like a little girl who’s playing dress up. ☺

      1. You have no idea how much this makes me almost spit out my ice cream – from laughing, because you have almost identically stated my own history. And, next week I am going for an info session at a local university for communications! We always feel like poseurs, because well, to be honest, we’re all a little nuts. I think that’s only because we’ve been conditioned by far too many unreal expectations of what is success.
        Listen, anyone who is starting over, starting new, is working on a heroic effort. You’ve wasted nothing, you’ve simply changed disciplines. The fact that you have had this much success is just marvelous, and now you are on top of a pretty decent wave. It’s a new wave, so you need a little time to get your sea legs, and you will. Just hold onto the board a little tighter for a bit. And go eat some ice cream.
        P.S. I am older than you, Now wish me luck with the info session, which is bound to filled with brilliantly articulate 18 yr. old Aurelius'(es??). 😀

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s