I Will Write

The final discussion board question in my advanced non-fiction class was simple.

                                  What do you plan on doing with your degree in Creative Writing?

writing

I will write.

We all have endured the jokes about a degree in Creative Writing.   I even had one friend suggest I’d chosen the path because it was the easiest. What a non-writer doesn’t understand is the blood, sweat and tears…many – many tears that come from being a writer. What a non-writer doesn’t understand is that the desire to write is an obsession for someone who desires to write. What a non-writer doesn’t understand is that writing is life for someone who truly desires to write.

I will write.

This is the first discussion question that I have no answer for, and that petrifies me. I don’t know what’s next for me. I’ve been conditionally accepted to an MFA program, however then I will only be posed with the same question again, only I’ll be $50,000.00 more in debt. So the honest answer is I have no idea what I’m going to do with my degree. I am 50 years old and have eight months to decide what I’m going to do when I grow up.

I will write.

My hopes and dreams are simple. I want to write. I want honesty to flow from my heart and soul. I want to be as transparent as possible in my writing and I want to make others feel my words. I want to write.

I will write.

To do this, I need to figure out why I still have no confidence in my writing. I need to figure out why my words never feel good enough and why even when people tell me they appreciate my words I dismiss them. I need to figure out what I’m afraid of, so I can fight those demons. I need to figure out why my greatest desire is also my greatest fear. I need to figure out why sharing this with all of you has made me cry.

I will write.

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5 thoughts on “I Will Write

  1. I feel compelled to question the belief that you have “no confidence” in your writing. I believe that if you had no confidence (as in zero) you would not have applied to the MFA program. AND you got accepted! So I ask you, do you have some confidence in your writing, but you’d like to have more confidence? Would that be more accurate? I encourage you to keep writing. I have been a counselor for 30 years (can you tell?) In my late 50s, I’m now returning to my creative soul and finding the muse that I’ve neglected for too long. Your are not alone. The empty nests of our 50s, provide wonderful opportunities to explore our hearts’ desires. “It’s never too late to become what you might have been.” someone said. I applaud you for having the courage to apply to that MFA program. Thanks, again for following me. You might also like my second blog: “Loving Me Too.”
    /http://joannesilvia.wordpress.com/. Best Wishes to you!

    1. JoAnne, my story is reminiscent of a Lifetime movie. I was married for 19 years to an abuser who was the master of disguise. I became an excellent actress, pretending that life was perfect as we had four children, the big house, and I lived the roles of PTA President, Girl Scout Leader, blah blah blah. I finally reached the point of no return one night, and packed the kids and the dog into the van and left. Then came the hardships of returning to the workforce with no completed degree, child support battles, a daughter’s ongoing battle with anorexia, and the ensuing reality that I’d gone from being a full-time stay-at-home wife and mother and in an instant, I’d become a full-time working, full-time single parent. I continue to struggle with the nagging feeling that my writing “is just not good enough” like many other things in my life. Logically I know it doesn’t make sense, but the fear continues to tug at me. As I work through some of this with my therapist, it’s becoming clear that my issues have far more to do with a fear of success, than a fear of failure. I have a 4.0 in my current degree program and have received some amazing feedback on my writing and yet, the battle continues. I spend far too much time testing the waters, and not enough time swimming. My goal is pursue a MFA, which is why I’m working diligently to slay the demons. Thank you for your kind words and feedback. It’s nice to know there are others who understand.

  2. “I need to figure out why my greatest desire is also my greatest fear.” – Because it is your greatest desire. No one wants to fail at the one thing they want the most. Since creative writing is so hard to define, it stands to reason that it presents a confusing view of the future. I understand wanting to write. I understand being afraid that what you plan to write or what you just wrote isn’t good enough. Write it, post it, try to publish it anyway. One thing (that you probably already know) you should know is that you’re part of a community of friends here. It’s a great comforting, helpful place. I look forward to reading what you have to write.

    1. Dan, thank you for your encouragement! Everything you said is 100% correct. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have a tendency to think too much. I’ve recently begun doing a daily 15 minute Stream of Consciousness which has helped a lot. The other piece I’m coming to terms with is that even though I want others to appreciate my writing, that shouldn’t be the all consumming desired result. Most of my writing is inspired by the need to vent and since most of the venting is personal, it may not speak to others. My goal from here forward is to post at least three times a week, and to remember that I’m doing it for myself first and foremost. And then, I’ll say a prayer that others may relate to some of my words too.

      1. I am sure that a lot of people will relate to your posts. Many of them might be in a place where they won’t be able/comfortable letting you know, but they will be there. The SoCS prompt is an easy way to squeeze in a 3rd post. Let Linda be your guide.

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