In less than 48 hours, this blog will celebrate its first birthday. December 28 marks the one-year anniversary of my first post on DreamsinAlaska. As I sit here reflecting while feeling a little blasé’ about my very mediocre blog and my plethora of Haiku, it seems only appropriate to share a few babbles to bring you all up to date. Although I created the blog in August 2013, it had remained a blank page until last December when late one night I desperately needed to talk to someone, and there was no one available to listen. Like many things in my life, DreamsinAlaska evolved from a good idea followed by high hopes, but then stalled due to my own fears.
Unfortunately, I’m the Queen of Analysis Paralysis, and I suffer from a slight case of OCD, which is often coupled with a rampant case of perfectionism. Needless to say, none of those things are conducive to being a writer who shares their words. This blog was intended to be the medicine that cured those issues. My thought process way back then was that I wouldn’t share the blog with anyone I knew. By keeping it private from my friends and family, I thought I would be able to write freely without fear of repercussions, and since I wasn’t being evaluated by one of my writing teachers, I wouldn’t have the pressure of perfection. After all, how hard could it be to write a daily brain dump to a group of unknown strangers?
What I didn’t expect was such kindness from so many of you in Blogland. I was overwhelmed by encouraging and kind words, likes on my posts, and people choosing to follow my blog, but instead of relishing in the wonderful new opportunities for friendships and community, I once again shied away. Instead of writing my daily brain dumps and allowing myself to share transparency through my words, I began to write Haiku, lots and lots of Haiku.
I had a Haiku published on The Good Men Project (which was a total fluke) and then I wrote an article for elephant journal about writing Haiku. It seems like all roads lead to Haiku, not because I love it, or because I gain joy from writing it, but more because it’s three lines and I can spit them out in minutes. As you can see, there is a lot of Haiku on this blog. Most of them have told the same sad story – three lines of whining about an on again, off again relationship with a man – a relationship that should have never been – a relationship that I sold my soul to maintain knowing the inevitability of its outcome.
As I’ve reread this year’s posts, I realize how broken I’ve been. 2014 was supposed to be a year of hope and joy, and yet instead of allowing myself to enjoy the grace of others, in several situations I’ve sadly fought to hang on to that which has continued to drag me down.
There have also been a lot issues that are real and substantial parts of my life that have been beyond my control, forcing me to maintain my bearings while in the eye of a violent storm:
~my oldest daughter’s anorexia
~the high risk pregnancies of my middle and youngest daughter
~initial health scares for my first grandchild, who is now the picture of health
~ the constant financial worries of working in the public sector, while going to
school full-time to earn a degree that realistically may not change any of my
constant financial concerns
In the midst of all of the spiraling chaos there has been some good too, however. I became a grandmother this year. My granddaughter is the one thing that has kept me going during times I didn’t think I could continue. She’s been the light that’s enabled me to navigate the darkness.
I have also managed to continue in school, even when I didn’t think I had it in me. Some of that is due to perseverance, however most is because of the grace shared by several teachers I’ve had along the way. When I told them I was too tired and overwhelmed by life to continue; they encouraged me and worked with me to keep chugging along, allowing me to maintain my 4.0 GPA (a must for an obsessive perfectionist) as I move that much closer to my degree completion at the end of 2015.
I’ve continued to see Dr. B.A. on a weekly basis, and although I’m sure she must wonder why I haven’t figured out my life yet, her reassurance that I haven’t gone crazy (at least not as of last Wednesday), along with her reassurance that I probably won’t go crazy, has provided comfort in the midst of the emotional roller coaster I’ve been riding. She’s also continued to encourage my writing. As a writer herself, she understands what a passion it is, and she understands the conflicted feelings I have between my desire to write and the fear I have of sharing my words. She’s also been my confidant as I’ve attempted to identify, balance, and maintain the relationship she’s assisting my departure from.
One of the most simple, yet most significant pleasures during 2014 has been the notification ding that I receive from WordPress when someone likes a post, comments on a post, or chooses to follow this blog. There is no way that I can articulate how much I’ve appreciated each new ding, or the pleasure the sound gives me. Every notification has encouraged me, and despite a year of intermittent posts of sad Haiku, those dings have kept me here – they have helped me maintained the hope that eventually I will achieve my goal of a daily brain dump.
Thank you for taking the time to read my words this year. Although I’m not sure what my posts in 2015 may include (no doubt at least a few Haiku), I do hope that you’ll continue on this journey with me while I continue to figure it out.
A gently closed door
The joy of new beginnings
An unknown journey